paradigm shift
Feb. 18th, 2010 06:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
gladdecease posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
glad_ficsSo, rather than being sensible like everybody else who saw 5.14 and thought "omg I have to fix it!", I saw 5.14 and thought "you know, this could be worse."
This is not a "My Bloody Valentine" fix-it fic. If there was such a thing as a "make it worse" fic, this might be it. Or it might not. I think you can decide.
--
Sam is exhausted by the time the demon blood finally gets out of his system. His voice is hoarse from cries he doesn't remember screaming, his fingers twitch when he doesn't concentrate on keeping them still, he's feeling an unfortunate combination of dehydrated, starving, and nauseous, and just about all of him hurts.
"Hey, guys?" he calls out, not knowing if anyone's there. His throat protests making that sound, but he tries again. "Guys? I think it might be out of my system." He waits for a response, but the only thing he can hear is his own heavy breathing.
Then, the heavy grinding sound of metal on metal. It goes on for what feels like forever, though Sam's pulse starts to thrum too loud in his ears for him to hear it.
He knows that sound. Something is opening the door.
It's not the sound of a person opening the door - he'd heard Bobby open the door earlier, and with human hands on the metal the sound is muffled. This sound is different, sharper somehow.
This is the thing that let him out last May.
His mind jumps to demons, same as it did then - though then he'd been vaguely grateful, not wary - but everything he knows about demons tells him it's not. The metal is iron, even if the demon isn't touching it directly, and how would a demon get into Bobby's house in the first place?
Sam stands up slowly, still achy, and wants for a weapon - nothing in particular, just something. He'd feel better with a gun in his hands than he does with his fists alone, especially in his current state.
The door swings open quietly, and Sam approaches, moving in the shadows of the room until he's right by the doorway. When nothing comes in, he takes a chance and looks out.
Castiel is standing there, one hand outstretched, staring at him with the most pained look that Sam has ever seen on his face.
Sam's breath catches in his throat.
The angel's hand falls to his side. "Sam." He only holds Sam's gaze for a few seconds before dropping his eyes to stare at the floor.
Castiel looks... guilty. Hoping that he's wrong, Sam asks, "Cas, you. Did you...?"
"Yes." Castiel's eyes flicker up to Sam's for a second before looking away again. "I'm sorry."
Sam sways, and leans back against the door frame, eyes fluttering shut. Great. Now everything hurts. He asks the only question he can think of. "Why?"
"My superiors..." Castiel falters. "That is, I was told to."
Sam huffs a tired laugh, his head hitting concrete with a dull thunk. "Right. Your bosses wanted Lilith dead as much as I did."
"I know it doesn't make it any better," Castiel starts, but pauses when another door opens. He looks up, at the underside of the staircase as heavy boots thud against the wood. Dean calls out, "Sam! You say something?"
Castiel looks at Sam, the guilt back in his expression, and whispers, "Please, don't." Sam only has time to be wonder at how wounded he sounds before the angel vanishes, and then he doesn't have any time to wonder about that before Dean is in front of him. His brother looks him over with a concerned frown.
"You alright, Sam?" he asks, then amends the question. "Er, relatively alright?"
Sam shrugs. "I guess? I don't feel all that great, and I really need a drink. Of water," he adds before Dean can comment. "But definitely better."
Dean's shoulders slump, and he smiles. "Good." He gestures upstairs, saying, "Bobby made you a plate, if you're up for it."
Sam pushes away from the wall and is surprised to find he doesn't sway. Much. "Uh, sure. I think I could get something down." With careful steps, he follows Dean up the stairs.
"Hey," Dean asks as he reaches the first floor and looks around, "where's Cas? Last I saw, he was down there with you."
"Yeah," Sam says, feeling weirdly hurt all over again. He pulls out a chair and sits down, ignoring the plate in favor of the glass of water. After a long drink, he continues, "Yeah, Cas was there. He, uh, let me out of the panic room."
And Sam still doesn't know how to react to that.
--
This is not a "My Bloody Valentine" fix-it fic. If there was such a thing as a "make it worse" fic, this might be it. Or it might not. I think you can decide.
--
Sam is exhausted by the time the demon blood finally gets out of his system. His voice is hoarse from cries he doesn't remember screaming, his fingers twitch when he doesn't concentrate on keeping them still, he's feeling an unfortunate combination of dehydrated, starving, and nauseous, and just about all of him hurts.
"Hey, guys?" he calls out, not knowing if anyone's there. His throat protests making that sound, but he tries again. "Guys? I think it might be out of my system." He waits for a response, but the only thing he can hear is his own heavy breathing.
Then, the heavy grinding sound of metal on metal. It goes on for what feels like forever, though Sam's pulse starts to thrum too loud in his ears for him to hear it.
He knows that sound. Something is opening the door.
It's not the sound of a person opening the door - he'd heard Bobby open the door earlier, and with human hands on the metal the sound is muffled. This sound is different, sharper somehow.
This is the thing that let him out last May.
His mind jumps to demons, same as it did then - though then he'd been vaguely grateful, not wary - but everything he knows about demons tells him it's not. The metal is iron, even if the demon isn't touching it directly, and how would a demon get into Bobby's house in the first place?
Sam stands up slowly, still achy, and wants for a weapon - nothing in particular, just something. He'd feel better with a gun in his hands than he does with his fists alone, especially in his current state.
The door swings open quietly, and Sam approaches, moving in the shadows of the room until he's right by the doorway. When nothing comes in, he takes a chance and looks out.
Castiel is standing there, one hand outstretched, staring at him with the most pained look that Sam has ever seen on his face.
Sam's breath catches in his throat.
The angel's hand falls to his side. "Sam." He only holds Sam's gaze for a few seconds before dropping his eyes to stare at the floor.
Castiel looks... guilty. Hoping that he's wrong, Sam asks, "Cas, you. Did you...?"
"Yes." Castiel's eyes flicker up to Sam's for a second before looking away again. "I'm sorry."
Sam sways, and leans back against the door frame, eyes fluttering shut. Great. Now everything hurts. He asks the only question he can think of. "Why?"
"My superiors..." Castiel falters. "That is, I was told to."
Sam huffs a tired laugh, his head hitting concrete with a dull thunk. "Right. Your bosses wanted Lilith dead as much as I did."
"I know it doesn't make it any better," Castiel starts, but pauses when another door opens. He looks up, at the underside of the staircase as heavy boots thud against the wood. Dean calls out, "Sam! You say something?"
Castiel looks at Sam, the guilt back in his expression, and whispers, "Please, don't." Sam only has time to be wonder at how wounded he sounds before the angel vanishes, and then he doesn't have any time to wonder about that before Dean is in front of him. His brother looks him over with a concerned frown.
"You alright, Sam?" he asks, then amends the question. "Er, relatively alright?"
Sam shrugs. "I guess? I don't feel all that great, and I really need a drink. Of water," he adds before Dean can comment. "But definitely better."
Dean's shoulders slump, and he smiles. "Good." He gestures upstairs, saying, "Bobby made you a plate, if you're up for it."
Sam pushes away from the wall and is surprised to find he doesn't sway. Much. "Uh, sure. I think I could get something down." With careful steps, he follows Dean up the stairs.
"Hey," Dean asks as he reaches the first floor and looks around, "where's Cas? Last I saw, he was down there with you."
"Yeah," Sam says, feeling weirdly hurt all over again. He pulls out a chair and sits down, ignoring the plate in favor of the glass of water. After a long drink, he continues, "Yeah, Cas was there. He, uh, let me out of the panic room."
And Sam still doesn't know how to react to that.
--
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Date: 2010-02-19 01:01 am (UTC)Actually, I thought just them doing it again (as much as I HATE IT, OMG HAAAAAATE IT *sobs in a corner*) Makes it better. Because this time it's a mutual decision, and it gives Cas a chance to atone for last time, and Dean a chance to be there like he couldn't be before, and there is no sting of betrayal to go along with it on either side.
I agree that Sam would be a little quicker to forgive Cas, based on the fact that if anyone knows what being manipulated feels like, it's Sam, and that Dean would flip his shit.
I was livid at Cas right around the Jesse episode when he pretty much blamed Sam for everything, conveniently leaving out that it was HIS FAULT, but I've forgiven him now and I'd hate to see his only support get stripped away for past errors.
Uh - that was wordy. Sorry. :) Anyway, I like it. And I don't think it makes it worse. :)
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Date: 2010-02-19 01:24 am (UTC)While I was really sad&uncomfortable with Sam back in the panic room, I agree that it is better - Sam is obviously in a better place now, if nothing else. But I had thought Castiel might be more obviously not at ease, being back in this situation. When he wasn't, my muse decided Castiel needed to admit what he'd done.
There were a couple different ways this fic could have gone. It started out ended with Castiel running off before they could talk at all, obviously a more ambiguous ending. Another one was Dean finding out as well, but his reaction (which I thought would be as you've described) would have absolutely crushed Cas, and I couldn't do that. In the end I caved and made it a little bit less angsty, but left the pre-fic question as it was.
Thanks for commenting! I wasn't sure how this would go over, and your response was very reassuring.
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Date: 2010-02-19 03:33 am (UTC)Which in my meta brain is cool, b/c he has been working hard to cement his friendship with Sam, leading me to believe he feels guilty and that is Sam's main problem, guilt - while he'd be afraid to tell Dean and that is Dean's main problem, fear.
It's quite possible that I think about these things WAY too much. :)
In mine (http://tahirire.livejournal.com/204091.html), (Because the only way to move through trauma is to talk about it, right? RIGHT?) I drew a little on the fact that Cas seemed to honestly want to help at the end of the episode, and re-wrote how I think they got there to include him a little bit more, since it is in Sam's pov.
It's also quite possible that I tend to overshare. :)
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Date: 2010-02-19 04:40 am (UTC)Castiel and Sam's friendship is less... I think "intense" might be the word I'm looking for? It's developed slowly, and fairly organically, after the "Dean wants his brother and his friend to get along now" tension lessened. And it's an interesting build up of a relationship.
In contrast, Castiel and Dean have this huge, ridiculous thing that I can't even begin to pinpoint, which makes Castiel freak out whenever Dean even remotely suggests the idea of being done with him. The difference in this case is that I can't see anything Castiel could whip out to change Dean's mind; after sharing super-secret archangel lore, and full on rebelling, there's only so much more an angel can do.
I like your meta brain's metay thoughts, though I can't connect Dean and fear as easily as I can Sam and guilt. Maybe I just have a blind spot when it comes to Dean? I'd like to hear more about that, if you don't mind.
I have read yours, and I am so jealous of your mad prose skills, it is gorgeous. You really get inside Sam's altered mindset, and the reader still has a sense of what's actually going on. And of course Cas helped Dean get Sam to Bobby's. This stuff shouldn't even be in question, IMO. (I may be slightly biased; it is almost always my personal canon that at the end of the episode, Castiel pops into the backseat and rides off with the Winchesters into the sunset.)
no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 05:05 am (UTC)I like your meta brain's metay thoughts, though I can't connect Dean and fear as easily as I can Sam and guilt. Maybe I just have a blind spot when it comes to Dean? I'd like to hear more about that, if you don't mind.
Uh-oh, you tripped the meter now, LOL. You'll be sorry, I promise.
*cackles evilly*
Dean's big thing has always been fear. First the fear of losing his family, which happened, then the fear of failing to save his brother, which also happened, and now he fears his destiny will come true the way the angels say ... which, if you follow pattern .... *wince*
Dean has always masked his fears well. SO well, in fact, that if you blink you miss it - but in the rare moments where they let us into his head (Dream a Little Dream, On The Head of a Pin, Sam Interrupted) we get to see them and see just how deep they go.
The fear of not being enough, of letting Sam down, of letting people die, of going back to Hell ... the constant drain is one of the things that has created the void he has inside. The void is what happens when your deepest fears have all come true and you have had to watch, helpless to stop it, and then keep on fighting anyway.
When Cas said Dean wasn't hungry, the first thing I thought was that the only thing he's HUNGERED for since he came back from Hell was to not feel anything at all. (Heaven and Hell)
And it seems like sometimes he doesn't, but you can't look at his face and his reaction during the fight with Famine and not see someone simply crippled by fear and indecision. He FROZE. Dean Winchester doesn't do that, right? He could have jumped in with the knife and ended it at any time, but he didn't. Couldn't. In the times when we DO see him act, it's more out of a sense of 'This is what I have to do and if I die - so be it.' (Abandon All Hope)
My opinion, anyway. :)
I have read yours, and I am so jealous of your mad prose skills, it is gorgeous. You really get inside Sam's altered mindset, and the reader still has a sense of what's actually going on. And of course Cas helped Dean get Sam to Bobby's. This stuff shouldn't even be in question, IMO. (I may be slightly biased; it is almost always my personal canon that at the end of the episode, Castiel pops into the backseat and rides off with the Winchesters into the sunset.)
Aww, thanks! ♥ And LOL, I think Cas probably does ride with them more than we get to see. :)
no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 05:50 am (UTC)As for the fight with Famine - my first viewing, I was torn between annoyance and confusion as to why Dean wasn't going for the ring while Famine was distracted. It really didn't occur to me at all that he might be afraid. But looking back now it seems kind of obvious he was afraid. (Though the question of who he was afraid of remains. D:)
* to me, at least
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Date: 2010-02-19 04:09 pm (UTC)I think part of the reason he froze is that watching Sam turn has got to be just about his WORST fear right now, and it was almost like he didn't know who he was going to have to go after, Sam or Famine. *wibble*
Remember - Bravery isn't acting because you have no fear, it's acting in SPITE of the fear you have. ♥Dean♥
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Date: 2010-02-21 12:48 pm (UTC)Re: run by pimping
Date: 2010-02-21 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 01:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 01:31 am (UTC)Thanks!
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Date: 2010-02-19 01:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 01:33 am (UTC)Thanks for commenting!
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Date: 2010-02-19 02:56 am (UTC)Thanks for sharing!
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Date: 2010-02-19 03:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-02-19 04:25 am (UTC)